Real Friends or not

What is it that makes other women choose men over other women?  Have you ever wondered that?  I have...a lot.  I do it all the time.  

I rarely let myself get to know many people.  I have a many acquaintances and very few close friends.  Even my close friends I keep at an arms length.  I wonder, if most other people are like that?  I would think most are because I place myself in the range of normilsh or maybe not.  I can't decide were I fall in the mix.  

I know the reason I am not all into letting my barriers down.  My reasons are self protection.  As a young person, I trusted once to often a supposed friend and was truly hurt.  

For example, in junior high, I had this friend who I thought was my BFF.  Turns out she so sucked as a BFF.  Years later, I asked her why she did what she did, she told me she liked the same boy I did.  She was angry he liked me and not her.  I was like...what the frickity frack?  If she had only told me, I would have so not liked that boy.  Girls before Guys, I always say.  Anyway, she asked for my forgiveness.  Of course, I forgave her, although she was never my friend again.  

This is what she did to me.  She decided that she would tell everyone that I had sex with this certain boy that liked me.  So, not true a complete lie.  Then she told them that I had sex with another boy behind his back, again not true.  Then she arranged to have all the kids follow her and me to our local ice cream store and trap me in the store for a confrontation.  This was to publicly humiliate me and call me a slut and whore.  I was 13.  It was beyond traumatizing.  I was devastated and destroyed.  This thing she did, still did not do anything to really destroy my reputation in the long run or my popularity, but my soul was changed forever.  I never trusted a supposed friend again or at least it took me a very very long time.  

I cried for years over this incident.  I could have cared less about the boy.  Boys come and go.  Like I have told my daughter and countless young women that ask me, there is no penis worth it.  I thought my friend had my back that I could trust her.  She was in it for the boy.  Not cool.  As soon as I figured out a women is in it for the men, I simply dismiss her as a reliable person and refuse to deal with her in any way unless I have to.  

As I grow older, I find that my real friend circle is very small.  I trust very few women and call even fewer true friends.  I audition anyone who wants to come on in.  I would love to have more friends.  It is just that eventually I find out they only want what my credit card will buy for them or whatever they can get. I only want someone who wants to spend some time with me and let me get to know them and the other way around.  Just accept me for me and all my craziness and let me accept them.  

You know, it is not like I do not want to give my friends money or gifts, I do, it is just they come to expect this as part of the friendship.  Eventually, these people are no longer my friends.  I find they give me nothing at all, not even time.  I have had friends who don't even remember my birthday year after year.  Not even a Happy Birthday even, if I remember theirs.  I don't care about gifts or cards there is nothing I want or need.  Just a simple thinking of you as you grow into a crone would be nice.  

I guess what I really wonder is what is it that drives most friendships?  There are some friends I have not seen in years and consider them solid and perfect.  They would have my back in a minute.  One of my friends I consider in this category asked this question.  Would you hide the body for me?  Yes, I would.  As, you would hide the body for me.  This is a friend.  No matter what the time or distance.  They have your back without asking anything in return, just your friendship.  

I remember being a cheerleader.  I loved being a cheerleader, it was so much fun.  However, some of the cheerleaders were really mean.  I was not mean.  I just wanted to dance and cheer the team on.  I never really bonded with my fellow cheerleaders, my agenda was different then most of theirs.  I was there for the joy of being able to cheer.  I think they were there to be sexy and on top of the pecking order.  I never did get that.  My intentions are always so different then most.  Sometimes, I wish that I was like everyone else.  Life would be so easy.

Sometimes, I wish that I could just be friends with whoever was in my social class and do what was expected and called for.  I tried,  I did.  I just could not look into the vacant eyes of another woman in another committee or lunch and not make a real connection.  I just could not do it.  Unless, I lost all my composure and slapped someone for being a real bitch.  Unless, I could do that, then nope, not doing it.  

So, here is the deal, I am at a point were I am just going to be a friend to people I want to be friends with.  I am going to say what I want to say and suffer the consequences.  So be it.  

I choose to have real friends and real relationships and I don't care what anyone says.