The Texas Freak Show

Another Texas story and this one is a doozy.  

OK, so I am at my aunts house.  It is morning and I wearing yoga pants, one of my former big girl shirts that is now a pajama top, I have no bra on.  I used to wear an under wire bra to bed every night. I did this to prevent sagging breasts.  I stopped doing that about three years ago.  I figured that gravity was just going to win and I was tired of fighting it.  Basically, my girls are hanging pretty low.  Not as low as some but lower than I would like.  I really don't care because I am with my family and they love me just the way I am.  floppy, saggy boobies and all.  

Anyway, I am sitting on my aunts love seat and chatting it up with her and my uncle.  The  door bell rings and in comes her tenant.  My uncle high tails it out of there like his pants are on fire.  I think what the heck?   Her tenant is a former crack whore turned waitress.  Apparently, she is completely sober now and living a good Christian life.  She shares the trailer that my aunt rents out on her property with my cousin.  

Into my aunts home struts this 60 year old woman.  She is wearing a floral print Hawaiian mini dress that would be best seen on a 12 year old.  She has on more makeup than any woman her age should.  Her hair is and I am not exaggerating, looks just like the character from the movie "Theres Something about Mary".  Yes, her bangs were sticking straight up.  Straight up in the air like she had put something really sticky in them and forgot to tease them out.  Her hair color is Beyonce gold with red highlights. I hope you are getting a good visualization going here.  

Her boyfriend is trailing after her.  He is significantly younger than her and looks to me like someone who drives an ice-cream truck. On first impressions,  I would not leave a small child with him.  He gave me the  Heebie jeebies   Than again, that is my first impression.  

I immediately move the couch pillow to cover my no bra self.  I smile and attempt to be mannerly, and not laugh out loud at the lady with the "Theres Something About Mary" hair and her creepy boyfriend.  I am in a quandary.  It is polite to stand and shake a persons hand when they enter the room.  However, I have no bra on and am now holding a pillow in front of my breasts to cover any offending projectiles.  I think that it would be poor manners to stand with a pillow in one hand to cover my breasts or better manners to remain seated as I am.  I choose to remain seated.  I shake my aunts tenants hand and nod to the creepy guy.  I feign interest in them and think of ways to escape.  

The couple sits down and she begins to tell my aunt about how she is wearing a certain brand of makeup and how she had her hair just done.  I did not have the heart to tell her that the brand she is wearing is for younger women and that very famous brand was designed for drag queens.  No, I say nothing.  I love that brand of makeup.  I do.  I just know that I am to old for it now and wearing it would extenuate every line on my aging face.  Just like I notice it does for her.  With her hair, makeup and clothing choice she looks ridiculous.  

She is very loud and  speaks with the accent from New Jersey or the East coast.  Her accent is jarring.  Then she begins to cross and uncross her legs.  I need to remind you that she is wearing a teeny tiny mini dress.  She is about 50 LBS overweight and most of it is in her legs.  She does not cross her legs with any sort of finesse.  What she does is to spread her legs wide and then sort of kick them over each other.  What is most interesting is the fact that she is not wearing underwear.  I really had no choice but to notice because her lady parts were facing my seating area.  I was completely traumatized.

I am a nurse.  I had spent years being a labor and delivery nurse.  Now, I am an operating room nurse.  I have seen more lady parts than I ever care to see or wish to see.  Her lady parts were horrifying and to my dismay smelly.  What makes it worse?  After my brain surgery, my sense of smell is not that good.  I could smell her thing from across the room.  I almost barfed.  Do you know how hard it is to get an OR nurse to barf?  Almost impossible.  The situation was like a bad accident.  You don't want to look but you have to look.  

So, there I sat watching this train wreck of a women talk to my aunt about what I don't know.  After the makeup conversation, I tuned out.  I finally found a way to escape.  I excused myself for a shower and basically ran out of the room.  

I did text my sister/cousin and tell her that her mom's tenant had "There is something about Mary" hair.  She wanted me to take a picture.  I told her no way.  There was no way I was getting sucked back into that horror show.  

Yes, people like this women exist in our world.  Why?  I have no idea.  I ask you to do me a favor.  If I ever look like this or do anything like that, please stop me immediately.  I will thank you.