A Poop Story

This one is just for fun.  I hope I don't offend anyone but here goes.  

So, a few years ago my Husband was working nights.  I had the same position I do now.  A Part-time position in the OR.  My real schedule is two ten hour shifts with designated days as Monday and Wednesday.  At that time, I picked up two extra shifts a week and rounded out my week to 40 hours.  I was not an Officer in my Union at that time. 

Anyway, I was home this particular day.  He came home from work.  Now my Husband is a very scheduled kinda guy.  Why he married a Nurse, is beyond me.  Our schedules change often.  We trade days, we pick up shifts, we do overtime.  In the OR, we take call.  I am fortunate and savvy enough to bid for a position that does not require weekends or Holidays.  However, I do not get to work in the big bad cases anymore like Neurosurgery and stuff like that.  To me it was worth the trade.  Also, my job stopped offering those positions.  There are only nine Nurses in the whole OR left with this kinda schedule.  We are like dinosaurs, soon to be extinct.  

Ok, back to my Husband.  He like my Mom just could never get a grasp on the lifestyle of a working Nurse.  He does not understand being on call.  Taking someones shift or picking up a shift is strange and odd to him.  Since I am Part-Time,  My day off during the week would vary and he never knew, when I would be home.  This would drive him crazy.  I would offer to send him a monthly calendar or even print him a hard copy but he would just shake his head.  I think that the lack of control would just set his teeth on edge and make him all Mr Grumpy.  

Anyway, he was surprised the day he came home and I was there.  I remember telling him the night before I would be there.  My Daughter was still living with us then.  She was at school.  I was in the middle of doing whatever housework there was to do.  I did not have a housekeeper yet.  He came home in a really bad mood.  I don't know why he worked nights.  He was a terrible day sleeper.  Me, I can sleep in the day, in the night and I am fine.  Heck I can fall asleep in a crowded room with guns blazing.  If I need to sleep, I sleep.  My Husband has to have it dark and perfectly quiet.  He was usually in a bad mood but this day he was in one of the worst moods I have ever seen him in.  

He comes home, I say hi. He says hi.  Hugs and kisses exchanged and he steps into the bathroom. Twenty minutes later he comes out.  He forgets to close the door.  Holy Cow!! I have never smelled such a smell.  I am a Nurse.  I smell bad stuff all the time.  I tell him to close the bathroom door.  Ask him what the hell he ate and ask him, if a demon came out of his butt.  Then I tell him I was all ready to jump his bones but now that he pooped I simply cannot do that.  Just to gross.  Of course, he looks at me and starts to laugh.  We both laugh until we cry.  His bad mood is gone.  He goes to bed and the man gets a good days sleep and I go about my business for the day.

Fast forward five years.   Last night, I went into the bathroom.  Twenty minutes later I came out.  My Husband says, What the heck were you doing in there?  I said, I had to poop.  He rolls his eyes and says, now that you pooped there is no way I can jump your bones.  I had plans for us tonight.  I give him a look that most wives give their Husbands,when they think they are friggin crazy.  You know the one eyebrow up and squinkie eye thing.  Then he says, who poops at night?  Normal people poop in the morning.  Again, I give him the look.  

My response to him was this.  Husband I say, poop happens, when it happens.  What did you want me to do?  Hold it in?  I suppose you can jump your own bones because I can't take back that poop.  My Husband is so trying not to smile.  I begin to push him.  I start going on and on about what would happen, if a person were to hold in their poop and how they would pop.  That they might be a pop full of poop.  OK...So this is basically Nurse humor.  I can get really gross and it is funny to me and most medical people.  I will stop now.  Sometimes poop is funny.  Just saying.  

Anyway, my husband cracks a smile and he reminds me of five years ago and what I said.  I ask him, if he is a women?  Ask him, if he keeps lists in his head for future fodder and fights like a girl?  The whole time I am grinning at him and backing away because I know I am going to get it.  That was it.  I was doomed.  I was attacked and tickled.  We laughed until we cried.  

I had completely forgotten about the first incident five years ago and how I had managed to get my Husband out of his bad mood.  He remembered and was just waiting to use it on me.  Men...right?