I was thinking the other day about this conversation I had with one of my friends at work. We were talking about how we both hated to have our pictures taken. We are both largish girls. Not enormous girls like the kind that are cut out of their houses and carried away on a flat bed. Then again any women that is even a bit over weight might as well be burned at the stake as far most folks are concerned.
The reason we both hated our pictures taken was because it would take both of us a lot of effort into not being largish girls. Every morning the diet starts and by lunch the diet is almost over. By dinnertime the diet is so over there is no turning back. Every weekend there is a swearing that the exercise will begin, it never does. Then the guilt starts. Of course there are spurts of dieting and intense workouts. Pounds are lost and inches decreased. Self esteem is increased.
We both talked about how you talk yourself into this protective bubble and you start to feel almost beautiful and desirable again and let the unthinkable happen. You let someone take a picture of you. You see said picture. You say, who is that fat, old cow? Crap on a stick! That old fat cow is me!! Self esteem gone. You are devastated, destroyed and heart broken. Depression sets in and you begin to start this cycle of eating and gaining all the weight you lost in the first place.
My Daughter thinks that I have some deep psychological sickness. I tend to agree. She says she is happy with herself no matter what she looks like and thinks she is beautiful. I agree with her. Happy I raised a young women who is not focused on her appearance. I am not sure how I managed that one but glad that it happened. She does not understand how I can be so messed up. I tell her it must be a generational thing. I tell her that most women from my time and before absolutely hate themselves. It was basically mandatory. She is baffled by this. I have no real explanation.
I do see a change in her generation. Young girls of a large size walking around in short shorts and crop tops. They walk around like they are homecoming queens. Like they are the most beautiful things around. In my day a girl like that would cover herself from head to toe and hide in shame. I kinda like this new young women. Young women love themselves in whatever skin they are in.
When I twelve, I weighed 121 pounds and was 5'7" feet tall. I never ate. I did 100 push ups and 100 sit ups every day and every night. I did this until I graduated high school along with an extensive bedroom exercise program. I remember what started it all. I had this cousin that was very tiny like a little fairy. We spent a lot of time together. I always felt like an elephant around her and every adult made a comment about the differences in our sizes. Eventually, she was given a pony and decided the pony was more fun than me and ditched me for the pony. In retrospect, I would have ditched me to. I was really weird. I guess I still am. I mean one really odd cousin for a cool pony? Pony wins hands down.
Back to the story. I was hanging with some friends and I was feeling pretty bad about being dumped for a pony. My school friends introduced me to their parents. Both the parents let out this exclamation of horror upon seeing me. I will never forget what the Mother said. She said, "Well Fuck me....aren't you a big girl!" I was devastated. I remember telling that Mother that I was not fat. She told me I was the biggest girl she had ever seen. I lost my steam and went home. From then on there was nothing that no one could tell to convince me that I was beautiful or had a nice body.
Funny how perceptions can change you. My own mother would often comment that I should only weigh 115 pounds and have an 18 inch waist at my eventual height of 5'8.5". That I should not weigh what I did at 136 pounds at 18 years old. I would try and not eat but by dinner time I would be ravenous and a large plate of food would be steaming in front of me and my Dad would tell me to clean my plate. My generation was really messed up, when it came to your weight and size. Just saying. I am not angry at my Parents. They were the most awesome people ever and did an amazing job. They were just doing the best they could. Trying to raise a socially acceptable Daughter.
What is it that I think now? I think that I have a body image issue and probably at my current age will never get over it. However, even though I hate having my picture taken or getting on the scale at the Doctors office because these two things set me into a major tail spin, I have decided that I like being happy. So, big deal, I might never be 136 pounds again. Hell, I might never be 150 pounds again. I choose happy. I might be all round and squishy. I might not be all beautiful and perfect but my heart is that of a good person and my soul is true. I have one awesome Husband, the most bitchin Daughter ever and my Step kids are awesomesause. My Friends rule. So what! I am fat and look fat and most people look at me and think I am lazy and/or stupid. I say screw those folks. They don't know me.
I am very thankful that young women do not have to grow up with the torture that we did. They can be beautiful in whatever skin they are in. It must be liberating and freeing to eat whatever they want without guilt or shame. To be able to walk into a room with your head held high and not skulk in because of your size and hide in the corner. To just eat the food at a wedding or a date and enjoy it not just stare at it because your afraid to put it in your mouth. Thinking that someone is watching the fat girl eat and judging you. I know you know what I am talking about.
So, my friend and I shared with each other. It was one of the most bonding moments I ever had. Well, she wasn't dumped for a pony or had grown adults tell her that she was ginormous. I almost cried. I honestly didn't think that anyone felt like I did. It was liberating knowing that there were others that were in the same boat as me.
I think us ladies of size need to start talking to each other instead of hiding. Maybe instead of trying for perfection maybe we should go for healthy and happy. Good steady relationships with loving people. Work on our souls and hearts first instead of our bodies. Yes, our bodies are important but not to the detriment of our very souls. Yes. Perhaps just being who we are is the ticket and loving ourselves no matter what. I like that. What about you?
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