I was thinking about something today. I guess I think about a lot of things every day. Today, I was walking my dog, Pookie. We have been walking a more and more.
This is my thought process. I was walking Pookie past the park, I was walking as fast as my curvalishish body would move me. Then all the sudden, two extremely large women and their two round children were in front of me.
I live by a park and Sundays are Baseball days. I think they had been watching the Pony League games and were walking towards their car. I saw them leaving the park and walked faster. They went diagonal. I increased my speed to get in front of them. They blocked my path and just my luck I was behind them.
These girls were two of me or three of me each. Big girls to be sure. They were wearing yoga pants and bedazzled shirts with breast popping out. Hair piled up and very nicely done too. Makeup on and sharpie eyebrows (what is this a sharpie eyebrow invasion?) They wear dangling earrings that make disco balls dim. These girls are way into glitz and glam. Oh, yes..... and wearing platform flip flops.
I on the other hand had on yoga pants on but underneath I had work out shorts that went to my knees that held me all in (extra strong Lycra). I also, had a long t-shirt on and an even longer hoodie on to cover my bottom and front. Rule of thumb when a larger person, cover all offending areas and make sure nothing jiggles. Hair up in a high pony tail. No makeup and sunglasses to cover that fact. My goal with this was to not scare small children or adults with weak stomachs on my walk. Appropriate shoes, dog on her leash (no doggy stroller today), ear phones in (my friend told me this was a good way to have people not speak to me).
There I was staring at these two women's bottoms and I actually felt skinny. I wondered, if they had their own orbits. Feeling thin does not happen very often with me. My mind went to things like. I wonder how many calories they have to consume to keep their size? What size yoga pants do they wear? How do they get their hair so high? I wish I had confidence like them. To be able to love yourself and prance around like that at that size.
Then I started to think that most women consider themselves hideous at even one pound over weight. Most Men won't even look at a women, if she is not what he thinks is ideal or pleasing to his visual senses.
My Daughter is overweight and she loves the body she is in and has no problem with her weight or what others think of her. This amazes me. She even gets mad at me because of my self esteem issues. She gives me lectures about loving myself as is. How ever did I manage to raise her like that I will never know.
Bah! Then I started to think about the first time my Husband and I went to Vegas. He planned everything, like usual, and we went to the Tropicana. We entered our room and the room had a mirror on the ceiling. I was mortified.
First of all, I thought what the hell was he thinking? What kind of girl did he think he was bringing to Vegas? Not the kind of girl that would frolic naked under bright florescent lights naked with a mirror over my mead during adult play time. Oh...No. I draw the line there.
I look at him with this look on my face. Like I am going to kill him and then feed his body parts to the rats later. He looks like he is going to melt into a puddle right then and there.
He looks at me with a pleading look. He says, I promise you this wasn't like this before. He swears that he didn't book the room with a mirror on the ceiling. He says, We can get another room, right? I take a deep breath and turn off the room lights and lay down on the bed and look up. I can't see the mirror. I tell him as long as the lights stay off during fun and games, we are good. He is relieved.
Not that I am opposed to a mirror over the bed. Heck, if I weighed 120 pounds, had no stretch marks, had perfect toned muscles and gravity defying non-sagging breasts, I would say sure lets go for it. However, I am completely human and I have had a child. I also, have been taught to be ashamed of my body to such a degree that I could never enjoy myself with the lights on and a mirror over the bed during happy, joy time. I mean what women in her right mind could? Unless, she was crazy or perfect.
As all these thoughts are swirling in my head the large yoga pants girls stop and I literally slam right into them and then I almost fall into the only hole in the sidewalk. I am so graceful. I say I am sorry a million times. They look at me like I am snorting crack and shake their heads at the crazy lady with the little white dog.
I shake it off and go my merry way. I need to concentrate on anything other than mirrors on the ceiling and fat bottom girls, so I zoom as fast as I can walking as fast and far from the glam queens as I go down the street.
Then I actually turn my music on and turn it up. Metallica blasts in my ears and my anxiety goes way down. Thank goodness I shake all these thoughts and can finish my walk in record time and get my heart rate up to a decent rate.
I tell myself to stop thinking. Set goals like watch TV on a regular basis. Watch reality shows and shop at Walmart. Yes, all these are achievable goals. I can do this. Yes, I can. Be like everyone else. Normal people don't think about stuff like you do.
I start to say a mantra....stop thinking...stop thinking...nope not working...I am thinking again. Nope...there is no way I am ever gonna watch regular TV or a reality show. Sorry....just gotta be me.
No comments:
Post a Comment